I’m fighting a battle, I’m fighting my shadow
Herd fears like they’re cattle
I’m fighting a battle, yeah I’m fighting my ego

The first phrase of Sia’s song I’m still here. Her lyrics perfectly describe the spiritual awakening – a journey of development that seems to be becoming more common, and which I also believe that many would need to have a more healthy and stress-free life

I myself had my awakening some time before the turn of the year 2022 – 2023. I had been stuck in the same place in life for several years, without developing or allowing myself to experience any real joy or love. I have always built very high walls around myself, been safe in my hamster wheel. It is not until today that I realize how empty and colorless my life has been, precisely because I have let fears and a terribly low self-esteem control and prevent me from daring to take a step into the unknown.

Sia sings about waging war against her shadow, collecting fears as if they were cattle and fighting against her ego. And that is actually what happens during an awakening – you are drawn into a war against yourself, or rather against the ego: the built-in little guardian we all have. The ego rules and controls us with perhaps primarily fears, self-doubt and insecurity. Its intention is to protect us, and therefore it sets up obstacles to our development. We would rather give up than take the leap into the unknown. What if we fail? Do we have a parachute? What will others say?

It is with my ego thinking, as I call it, that I have built those sky-high walls ever since childhood. When I look at my life today, 41 years old: I have a high education, but I am still in healthcare – because that is where I know I deliver. I’ve never had a relationship that lasted longer than a month, because what happens if I let go of my feelings and actually allow myself to love a man? It’s chaos. Plus, my philosophy of life has been that no one can put up with me and all my hyper-energies… Yeah, you get the idea.

The fears and self-doubt have ruled my whole life, and that’s largely why I stopped developing a couple of decades ago. Until now – when I had my spiritual awakening.

I don’t know if it was the inner self – the soul, I would like to call it – that rebelled, or if it was the higher power that said that now it’s enough, stop wasting your life… But I was woken up with noise and bang, sky-high walls were demolished in a second and regardless of the force that caused the awakening, I was forced to turn my gaze inward to work with myself, with my fears and shadows. And what a journey it has been!

The darkest part of the awakening process (I write more about the different phases of the whole process in another post) is called the Dark Night of the Soul , on some sites it is referred to as “ego death”. That is when the greatest cleansing of spiritual wounds takes place.

And that is how it happened for me. And these storms!
Old traumas and wounds were brought to the surface, only for me to confront and process them, all with the aim of letting go of the darkness. I understand today that this is why I cried so much for no reason at all – my inner self was processing some old pain that I probably didn’t even know was there. It was as if I started to storm inside every time something new had to be cleared away, and with each storm came chaos.

But despite all these tears and pain, new insights were born at the same time, and after a while I realized that it gradually began to become easier to breathe. Things didn’t bother me in the same way anymore, I found it easier to let go when I got frustrated. The overthinking disappeared.

For a highly sensitive ADHD brain, this is like winning the lottery – when the overthinking disappears. It was a magical feeling when I noticed that I was starting to gain inner peace, that I was no longer ”building castles out of clouds”.

But it is often a lonely time, this dark night of the soul. Especially if you are not even aware that you are in an awakening. For me it was like stumbling around in the dark with a broken lantern. I didn’t know who to turn to, people thought I was annoying because my emotions were everywhere and nowhere, I think someone in the family put a psycho alert on me. A doctor at the ADHD clinic claimed that I had ”smiling depression”. Who would have thought that such things even exist?

No, it was a terribly dark period, with a lot of spiritual vacuuming, and it was when I was stumbling around in this darkness that I became aware of the ego. And when I was introduced to the little rascal, I gradually began to understand that the self-truth that I had always told myself my whole life was the right one, maybe it was actually quite distorted after all. It’s not that bad after all, I remember thinking once in front of the mirror.

And yes, I may have a lot of energy and am quite unfiltered – but why do I really have to fit in? Isn’t it perhaps quite good to have a bit of optimism and craziness even when things are crap?

The more the negative thoughts dissipated, and the more optimism I brought into my life, the stronger the motivation became to actively defeat the darkness. It was time to push the ego into the back seat, I wanted Zara to be behind the wheel on this new journey to the light.

I gradually began to become curious about who the person behind all these fears actually was. My existential life questions became deeper, I began to go outside myself and question the world I lived in, the norms and thoughts I had been fed since childhood. After all, we grow up with guidelines about what we can and can’t do, how we should and shouldn’t think.

Somewhere along the way, we begin to form an inner self that is full of often false reflections of our real self. And the more I won against the ego on my inner battlefield, the more I opened my eyes to the influence that society and the media have had on me. When the tunnel vision then began to disappear, and I could see a new whole, a new truth… Then it started to get a little exciting to let the real Zara step into the light and find her voice. The best part was when I realized that I actually liked her, and when I realized that it could be a little fun to post on Facebook that made people either ask my mother what really happened to Zara, or do like the classic Swede who doesn’t want to get involved with what makes her uncomfortable: not comment at all.

Because that’s how it is. The more I’ve opened up, the more I want to show my front feet. It can be enough for me to tell someone that I’m having a spiritual awakening, and people will perk up. I guess it’s the word ”spiritual” that makes people think of religion, and many are not at all comfortable accepting it. The reactions I get can be a little skeptical, almost a little suspicious sometimes.

I choose to experience spirituality as a way to turn our gaze inward, gain true self-insight and become aware that we are more than just flesh and blood, that there is another whole and truth beyond the one we have been taught is the only right one.
But to get us through even the dark days, I am convinced that we all have a whole team of angels and spirit guides who follow and cheer us on through every challenge. So spirituality is certainly a form of faith, if nothing else, it is the basis of all religions – perhaps in fact the basis of our entire existence? But perhaps it is not as narrow as religions are, but a more free view that there is something beyond what we can see and touch.

In any case, I find great comfort in the knowledge that even when I feel lost and alone, I am not really. Not as long as I have my spiritual team.

If we go back to Sia and her music, I read that in a radio interview in 2014 she had been asked if she was religious. She had answered this way: “I believe in a higher power and it’s called ’Whatever Dude’ and he’s a queer, surfing Santa that’s a bit like my grandpa, so yes.”
I think it’s a pretty wonderful way to make spirituality and faith a little easier, something that even the uncomfortable people can laugh about. A fantastically nice view of the higher power.

This journey of development has been pure hell at times, but it’s a wonderful feeling to finally be able to hear the real Zara’s voice and dreams after almost two years of brutal soul cleaning. The anxiety is almost non-existent, and I sleep better than ever after I started to change my thinking so that things no longer bother me in the same way. Instead of questioning why all this crap happens to me, and bitterly falling into the darkness, somewhere along the journey I started to think about what I should learn from this: Adversity is a lesson. Problems can become opportunities.

I’ve realized that it’s a much healthier philosophy of life than the idea that no one can put up with ”my inner chaos”. And life is much easier to handle with a more positive mindset.

I´m winning the war now, I´m winning it all now
Watch tears while they fall down
I´m winning the war now, I win against ego
Cast light on the shadow´s long
I´m winning for me though, I´m lighting the long way home.

Sia continues to sing her truth. Even my truth, and probably also the others who have received the gift of waking up to a new and more healthy mindset.
The war against the ego may be won, but the journey is not over. The fight is not over, I assume it will never end. Because isn’t life still about evolving, growing as a person, becoming your higher and better self the more adversities you face and overcome? I have learned that if I step on and stop evolving – then I stand still. I don’t want to stand still anymore!

Authenticity, freedom . Those are the words I can best relate to now that all my energy thieves and distractions are gone: both the boring memories and fears, but also some people and destructive patterns have been washed away – either by free or involuntary will. And what is left after all this major cleaning is not really much, and it lies in a mess in front of me. I still don’t have a permanent job, the economy is disastrous, I’m still in Lund, I’m still single and it doesn’t seem like the promised future is even close to me yet.

But I have a new mindset and new insights. I have learned that I will not be saved, if I want to change my life, I am the one who has to take action. The minimal mess that remains after the universe has shaken me to life is not much to cheer about – but it is at least clean and bright. It is the tools I have to start sorting out and piecing together my life. The new and successful life, I should add.
I think there is some truth in the saying that you have to fall in order to get up, renewed and stronger than ever. That is a bit of what I feel I have done. I have fallen, and now I am rising. A bit like a phoenix, ironically.

So …
This was my first post to my new blog, which is supposed to be about personal development, spirituality, and that whole intense transformation process. It’s not meant to be a diary, but as I said, it’s a terribly lonely journey, and if I can help a single soul with a few thoughts and insights that I myself have gained during my journey… Then I see it as a huge win, and worth every minute of this challenge to put together a blog and website with web hosting and wordpress and everything…

Now I wish you a good night, and thank you for reading this far (maybe for the second time – because the post is being republished in my still ongoing project blog…)
Ah, yes, I don’t have any good and nice photos at the moment, so the chosen photo will have to be replaced with a better one later. Sorry for that. I’ll compensate you with Sia.

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